Last week was a sensational one for Rupert Murdoch and Co. Instead of reporting on the news, Rupert, his family and News International actually made all the news, as the Hackgate scandal exploded onto the world’s front pages. Revelations came thick and fast, resignations abounded, arrests were made and pants were undoubtedly soiled. It was truly amazing to watch it all unravel.
Now, as we all know, Mr. Murdoch and his family own numerous publications, including a number of newspapers that are famous for their exaggerated, factually distorted, often sordid, very funny and nearly always punny headlines.
So in order to give you the lowdown on the hearings that were held last week, I thought it would be appropriate for me to describe the various goings on in the tabloid headline style of the masters — The Sun, The Daily Star, The Daily Mirror, The New York Post, and of course, the dearly departed News Of The World.
(Note that I have included both Murdoch and non-Murdoch owned publications in my list of “tabloid headline masters” as I do of course want to be as fair and balanced as the Fox News owners would expect me to be.)
Here then are the “facts” about the hearings as reported by various media outlets, and the imaginary tabloid “headlines” as created by this media outlet, i.e. yours truly.
Fact: On Tuesday July 19, Rupert Murdoch, one of David Cameron’s biggest supporters, was called before parliament to testify about the Hackgate scandal.
Headline: Man blamed for David Cameron’s election finally held to account.
Fact: Murdoch’s wife, Wendi Deng, attended the hearings in support of her husband and sat behind him as he spoke.
Headline: Woman stands by her man as he testifies about boobs.
Fact: Rupert Murdoch’s son, James, was also called to testify, but it remains to be seen whether his was successful in assuaging the concerns of MPs.
Headline: MPs don’t buy The Son!
Fact: As attention turned constantly back to Rupert Murdoch himself, the severity of the situation facing the News International chairman became increasingly apparent.
Headline: Phone hacking puts Murdoch’s ass on the line.
Fact: Although the various members of the committee were deferential to and respectful of Mr. Murdoch, they still pressed him repeatedly to answer important questions about the scandal.
Headline: Fox News owner hounded by animals in parliament.
Fact: In the course of the hearings, Rupert Murdoch denied any knowledge of the widespread phone hacking that has allegedly taken place at News International.
Headline: Rupert Murdoch confesses to being a know nothing!
Fact: Rupert Murdoch also stated for the record that he was let down by people he had trusted at News International and they in turn, were let down by people they trusted.
Headline: Man who made billions passes buck.
Fact: Towards the end of the proceedings, a British comedian, Jonnie Marbles walked up to Murdoch unchallenged and shoved a shaving cream pie straight in to his face.
Headline: Murdoch eats humble and shaving cream pie!
Fact: Wendi Deng immediately jumped to her feet and punched Marbles in retaliation for his assault on her husband.
Headline: Hack Wars: The Empress strikes back!
Fact: After a 10 minute recess, Rupert Murdoch bravely continued his testimony, apparently unfazed by the shaving cream pie attack.
Headline: Nudespaper baron continues to bare all in hearings.
Fact: Before the end of the proceedings, Rupert Murdoch confessed that whenever he visited Downing Street, he was asked to enter by the back door, and duly obliged.
Headline: It’s official! Murdoch confesses to back door deals with Downing Street!
Fact: News International stock’s price rose during the course of the day and ended up by 5.6%, at just under $16 a share.
Headline: Wall Street wankers put their faith in phone hacking plonkers!
The fact is headlines sell newspapers. And no one knows that better than Rupert Murdoch. But as he reflects on a week where he, his family and former employees made all the headlines themselves, I suspect he won’t be too upset. Because the News International scandal is, after all, selling millions of newspapers — including many of his own.
